Living tired

I have started to meet with a group of ladies to read books and share thoughts on life.  I guess you could call it a book club but in my attempts to keep believing that I am young I prefer not to.  We have started a book called One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.

To start, I am not a reader.  I have tried for years to become one, but have finally conceded to the fact that I will never be book savvy.  So in saying that, this is a stretch for me...reading.  And trying to complete what I have started.  I am a notorious project starter.

But this book is stirring in me all kinds of thoughts.  I find myself wanting to read it all the time.  This week after dropping Matthew at Mother's Day Out I wandered over to Starbucks with book in hand and baby in tow.  I ordered my usual, cinnamon dulce latte, and sat down to escape into all thoughts grown up.

The book is about finding joys in daily life and accepting that what He gives is enough.

As I was reading, this cold Tuesday morning, I realized I was holding my breath...tensed...stressed.  She writes,

I wake to the discontent of life in my skin.  I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired. Afraid. Anxious.  Weary.  Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?

I can really identify with these words.  Simple words written on a page but have so much meaning to me.  I live tired.  I find myself longing for children's nap times.  Longing for Patrick to be home so I can have a break.  Longing for a time where I don't have to do anything and take care of anyone.

I have forgotten the joys of my children.  To enjoy  the small wonders that they discover everyday.  I would rather be doing nothing.  I am  consumed with keeping the house clean, fighting over a two year olds eating habits and changing dirty diapers.

But as I read I can feel my shoulders relax and my breathing change.  (A good feeling I might add.)   I have had a light bulb moment.

I will never be enough.

I don't have to be enough.

He is enough in me.

But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live.  Physically feeling it in the veins trembling, the hard pant of the lungs, the seeing it in the steady stars, how much I really want really live.  How I don't want to die,  Is that the message of nightmares and dreams? To live either fully alive...or in empty nothingness.

The sun climbs the horizon.  I throw back the covers, take another breath, and begin.  I get to. I get to live.  

The question she asks is will we live fully.  So often we become so focused on self that we can't see God's blessing.  When we live like this for a prolonged period of time we develop bad habits.  It becomes easier to not recognize God's blessing the longer we are focused only on ourselves.

What I need is a reprogramming of sorts...a reboot...new batteries.  

So now that I have identified the problem I can fix it right?  Just start noticing how God is blessing me...the gifts he has given.  Much easier said than done.

Change takes time.

Change takes time.

Change takes time.

I must give myself time to overcome these bad habits...this complaining of life that  has become second nature.  But I must take it one day at a time...one minute at a time.  Rediscover God's joy.

In rediscovering God's joy I can really learn to live fully.

I choose to live.

I choose Life.